running with needles~

someone asked me recently if i ever ask "why" and i said, "sure i do. all the time.

but there comes a point when you stop feeling sorry for yourself."

then today i asked why.

i looked at the big beautiful woman of a desert sky and i cried out as loud as my heart could scream,

WHY?! WHY ME?!

and you know what someone said to me today specifically?

"if it was anyone else it wouldn't have meant as much to them."

i felt a pang initially.

but he was right.

some of us type 1's certainly go down the road of anger and depression. i've met them. the resent oozes out of them.

but others are like light. they don't retreat. they smile and spread and share and have found a way to make it work. this doesn't mean they're the extroverted loud-mouthed funny guy everybody can't get enough of. the type 1....representative of all. nope.

they're just them, inspiring everybody around them in their very own way.

and i'm just me.

we all carry our story around. the one that describes the day we got diagnosed and how everything and nothing and everything in between...changed.

so i philosophize everyday the meaning of all of this.

i am a walking dichotomy.

it's so painful sometimes i can't breathe. especially when dealing with the diabetes police, the people who know nothing about type 1 autoimmune-based cause, and of course, you can't forget the ones who think you just ate too many skittles or something...ya, i didn't try hard enough.

but other times i am proud. proud of my ability to buck up. proud of my ability to rise above such an unforgiving process of day-to-day living. proud of who i am; who i've become.

you should know that even though you are one of the 3 million who have type 1 diabetes, you are one in 3 million.

your story matters. your story is your own.

you can still do it all and live the life of your dreams.

i'm attempting to continue that this summer. i try so hard it makes me cry. but dammit, i'm not giving up.

i'm gonna keep running, even with these damn needles.

adapting to change~

so the seattle trip was a success. not a no-trouble-at-all-success, but a small victory in the sense that traveling (from my understanding) can be cause for anxiety for many type 1's. it became a metaphor for adapting to change!

and ya, it was rough at first. i had to manage some pretty bad morning highs (low 200's every morning i was there until the last day, actually) most likely due to lantus/novolog overlap issues...or, in all honesty, late night eating issues: i cannot eat very late at night and especially not dessert (boo!) unless i want my a.m reading to royally suck. and ya, we had a weird eating schedule (duh, vacation!) and enjoyed many a late-night italian cafe tiramisu, organic icecream with friends, and french dessert fixes to boot. oi!

my 30 day averages still managed to maintain at 117, but i think that's because the rest of the day i managed to just stay on top of it, and ya, try to eat as best as i could: lots of ethnic food was on our yummy-to-eat-list anyway, so that helped, considering the way most people in the rest of the world eat is uh, not the american way of eating...lol. but you know, it's hard. a lot of the fun of vacation is getting to try new desserts and food and just lazying off your regular schedule. so....

i posted this little image i found (courtesy of dreamwork.org) because i found it to be perfect as far as true adaptation goes. my little trip---only a few days, and west (which is the easier of the time changes on the blood glucose because you gain hours rather than losing them) was a good first lesson in how to what i would say initiate (attempt something such as a trip for learning) how to adapt in order to ultimately stabilize again. then, it all comes together so you feel braver, [somewhat] more spontaneous, and shall we say...normal (?!) i was so determined not to let myself get completely out of [glucose] control so i could literally stay feeling good, but also, so that i could actually enjoy the fun that vacationing brings...like lots of exercise and laughing and dancing and socializing. that's all good for the BG!! it hit me that everything in our lives always balances out in the end. my body truly was stabilizing by the 5th day we were there. and we were only there 5 days, so it got me thinking that sometimes all we really do need is time. i thought, "i know this in general in my life, why wasn't i willing to just apply it so easily here, too? i'm always saying to people, 'give it time'!"

time to plan it, initiate it, adapt to it, and stabilize...as we do every day, all day. we can do it! i feel i can take a trip anywhere now and know that all will eventually be well. we know it always is. it may take a little extra time and patience, but it doesn't have to stop you from say, kayaking. things might take a little extra monitoring, but to be sure, in a few days things will always work themselves out. i actually find it kinda funny that i still sometimes fear trusting this basic fact of life when it comes to my blood sugar.

even if i do the harder of the two time changes next time (go east, young woman with type 1 diabetes!) i know i'm now taking baby steps toward....someday going back to africa to continue community health work!!

cozying up to it~

so much has kept me busy: i graduated with my BA, am moving on towards medicine, have been working like crazy---especially for our little trip to seattle this week (anyone up there wanna give me some fun ideas?) and have just been enjoying gardening, reading and relaxing.

      it's amazing how taking my mind off my BG a bit has worked wonders for it!  i think some of it is that i've finally 'plateaued' with it.  not like i'm never going to struggle again, i just mean it's so weird how my 30 day averages seem to have just come down on their own because i slid off on logging every number, every dose.  and i have to say, i haven't had too many bad numbers as a result.  honestly though, i 've been lucky throughout this whole first-year-after-diagnosis; i bounced back and in control relatively quickly.  but you all know the worrying that comes with dealing with t1 everyday...it can really begin to consume you if you're not careful.  sigh. the fine line between tight control and being OCD about it, eh? lol. 

      guess i'm just saying that it's great to finally relax a bit.  it's here to stay, but i'm healthier, more self-aware, more reflective in such a balanced way than i've ever been in my life.  so strange!  i can hardly describe it at times.  it's like a strange blessing that arrived in an old beat up basket.  instead of making me into a basket case though, i feel like it's turned into a beautiful little gift; a bit of that 'insider info' we all wish we could have in life sometimes.  i think i've got some now and i'm at peace more than i've ever been. 

 

herbalist class~

i can't even begin to rave enough about my herbalist class.  marylou singleton is one of the most dynamic, integrated, amazing women i have ever encountered. she's a complex pioneer, unafraid to mix the best of both worlds (allopathic, biophysical medicine, with traditional natural therapeutics approaches.)  she's also got the greatest laugh, super contagious!

    i'm learning so much in this course about the body; not only in healing the root cause of an illness, but also tonifying and rebalancing it.

it's made up of a group of ladies who all have different backgrounds and interests, but all of us have that one thing in common: we are fascinated by the healing properties of plants.  also, we are learning about relationships with plants.  i know some people might find this weird, but i was never taught to view the plant and animal world this way; and let me just say it is very moving and healing in itself.  i see scarlet globemallow, mallow neglecta, and wild lettuce everyday on my way to the university and it's like, "hey you! just hanging out waiting to heal us!"  

     something about merely talking about plant medicine all these years bugged me, and so i've realized with this class that it was the missing relationships!  when we took our first herb walk with supermarylou, everytime she showed us a new plant: valerian, clematis, rosehips, sweet sicily....this deep urge came over me to actually greet the plant.  finally! nice to meet you!  i've heard so much about you!  hysterical! 

     i feel so blessed in my life right now. i'm graduating, i'm really healthy with my type 1, my garden's taken off, all of that joy that used to define me now defines me again, and now i'm developing healing relationships with other species (who are never malicious or twisted or have hidden agendas like some people i'm dealing with this year, ouch.)

now go munch on some lemonbalm!

 

we are giants~

isaac newton said,

"if i have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants".

however, i say this:

you are the giant.

stand on your own, see for yourself. grow yourself into that giant.

it means no one carries you on their shoulders to see; it means your view will be that much more rewarding, because it will be your own.

your own hard fought views, your own hard fought truths. your own hard fought life.

it came to me today, when i read isaac's words:

i am a goddamned giant.

no one will take away my view of this beautiful world; demanding i see it only from theirs, subjecting myself, submitting myself, selling out to make someone feel better about their twisted, sorry self.

life is not a competition;

there are many cracks and crevasses up the mountain;

we each have our own side to climb.

when we finish, we can only sit and share our journey with one another.

on colds and eating clean~

so i had a pretty bad cold this past week.

    my first time 'officially being sick', since uh, GETTING type 1 last year, of course....

    not too bad!  i mean, other than the feeling of niagra falls being constipated inside my sinus cavity.  but my neti pot took care of that.

    but i was really nervous about being sick for the first time with type 1, to be sure it's much worse with the stomach flu (my poor type 1 friend, lisa!) because then you've actually got something really serious to worry about: ketoacidosis.  however, dehydration and vomiting were not on my list of worries this time 'round, so thank goodness for that, eh? 

   however, since i've always eaten 'superclean' whenever i've gotten colds, this time was no different.  but i definitely noticed something different:  i got to see my blood sugars, right?  and as this one doc said, "if there's any advice she can give to anybody (diabetic and nondiabetic alike) regarding health:  keep the blood sugar in balance. 

   whew!  i had no problems!  and it's not because i ate like a rabbit.  feed a cold, starve a fever, as they say, no?  

   well, i did eat a lot, but as i said, i ate really 'clean', as i call it:  tons of veggies, broths, herb teas...and no dairy or refined sugar.  

   as we all well know though, you can't avoid the simple fact that all food, eventually (even a bit of that protein in your chicken) turns into glucose, or at least has an intimate relationship with it. because everything is about fuel; everything you eat is about energy, and that energy is all about glucose. 

but wow, i gotta tell ya, really taking that extra precaution, really taking care to avoid the junky-junk... was simply amazing for my blood sugar!

  by the way, 'the nourishing gourmet' offers sound advice we could all use regarding health and hydration during a bad cold...not just for kids.   superb broths!

   of course, it's hard.  (it's not like i'm headed to raw-foodie land, friends).  and not because i'm some kind of refined-sugar-dairy-frappacino-fried-food-addict.  it's just the idea of leeway, right?  because i had that cold, i didn't feel a lot of leeway simply because i felt ill.  i wanted only herb tea and fresh greens and soups and lean meats.  but now...sigh.  now i'm back to craving some hazelnut coffee in the morning.  now i want some cookies.  (even if they are 'organic'---what does that mean, anyway?!) 

but that cold really put my overall health into perspective. 

    and i always think i eat so well.  people always tell me how amazed they are at how well i eat.

it makes me laugh, because as my honey's mom said:

"there's no such thing as a 'diabetes diet', there is only a 'healthy diet', and we should all be on it!" 

so true!  certain fats, sugars, and forms of cooking should really be viewed as treats (or cut out completely, oi!) because the inevitable spike in BG a person experiences, is just not worth the stress caused in trying to 'keep up' when eating foods like that.  there are so many other options! 

    so, i learned something new.  not new, something was just... reinforced.  we'll see how long my 'lesson' lasts, eh?  haha, i'll be honest and tell you i had some chocolate coconut milk ice cream after dinner tonight and it was damn good. (better than regular ice cream, right? by the way, you should try it...super yummy!)

   ultimately, what i'm trying to say is that i agree with good ole' michael pollan: 

                           "eat real food.  not too much.  mostly plants!"

   

 

i'm fighting the pump~

i know, everyone tells me "once you get on the pump, you'll wonder how you ever lived without it."  

but to be hooked up like that picture you see there....i'm not there yet. 

ya, it's not that bad, but to me, it's that bad:

cyborgish, in a sense. that's how much i shut down when it's suggested by my endo and my cde.

    in medtronic and animas' ads they're all like, "on one side you've got your pump infusing insulin, on the other, you've got your continuous glucose monitor checking your blood sugar every minute."  hmmm, not so much, i say.  sorry, just not feeling the "excitement!!"

but this technology that would be attached to me (helping me no doubt)...i'm still not ready for it. 

and believe me, this has nothing to do with vanity.

to be honest, i'm not having any real problems: my last A1c was great, i manage my highs and lows well. but i've gotta tell ya, exercising and eating certain foods and the monitoring that goes with staying on top of that is certainly frustrating. but i'm fighting the pump because like Dee, my sweet diabetes educator said, "when you go on the pump, i think that's when it really hits you that you've got it."  on some level, i'm still associating the pump with imprisonment by my disease, and yet all the info out there---including from members of the online diabetes community---say it's what frees you.

but i'm not there yet. 

someday, to be sure, i will be.  i've always been a gal who adapts well: i take my time, think things through, really ruminate my thoughts and feelings.  never been rushed or easily pressured.  i just do my thing. because when i make a decision, i am strong and devoted to giving it my best shot.  and honestly, that's all that's going on here.  

so for now, it's just me and peabody and my needles and insulin vials, without any other friends along for the uh, already crazy ride.