treating low blood sugar naturally and oh ya, i suck at blogging~

everytime i get on here to do a post i'm reminded at how badly i suck at actually being a good blogger. not good. but then, i hope i redeem myself in what i blog about when i do blog. :)

as most of you know, i'm really into trying to eat healthy, whole, foods-in-as-natural-a-state-as-possible-foods. ok, i think i coulda said that differently.

am i a hippie? a lot of people tell me i am. i admit, i am pretty crunchy at this point in my life! ok, i'm very crunchy. but when some people find out i have type 1 diabetes and am on an insulin pump, all the luddites start screaming and run away.

but i read something in a book on natural medicine and diabetes written by a N.D (naturopathic doctor---yes, they attend medical school) and a M.D. when i first got diagnosed, the book really helped me put my "state of affairs" into perspective. while some things in the book are problematic, the following statement, to this day, holds true to my health philosophy:

Individuals with type 1 diabetes absolutely require conventional treatment with the hormone insulin. We consider this approach consistent with natural medicine---after all, the goal is simply to provide the body with a critical natural hormone.

take that, stinky hippies. ;) just kidding. so basically, what dr.banting and best did for us was hormone replacement therapy---they, to this day, helped us replace a hormone the body should naturally be making, but no longer does. now off my soapbox.

now when you run into somebody who wants to hassle you about your disease and how you didn't eat an anti-parasitic ayurvedic diet or something, just throw that statement in their face and it'll shut 'em riiiiight up. sometimes. ok, most of the time. not that i don't adore ayurvedic food. ;)

the bottom line: i try to do my best at making the entire spectrum of my eating-with-type-1-diabetes-experience as natural as possible. even when it comes to lows. however, a word of caution, when you're low, you're low. don't get stupid and start insisting on things that aren't available if you're out and about. just fix the damn low.

case in point: we were out the other day, i overbolused for lunch, had my little all-natural juicy juice (only 16 grams, yikes!) but calculated from my insulin on board that i needed waaaay more than that, and miraculously, we were headed to whole foods for groceries, yaaaay! so i'm thinking i'll go by a piece of fruit. but then, well then. it was sunday! and on sundays whole foods has lots of free junk food out! [note: i love how most of these natural foods markets are made up of just as many processed, packaged foods as anybody else. what? just cos you don't use partially hydrogenated oil you think you're BETTER?! haha] really, i should've just bought the damn apple.

so we begin to wander around, me in my slightly-low-stupor. and all i'm eyeing is carbohydrates. free carbohydrates. so we see some mini-cookies. we look at the box, realize i'm gonna need to eat like 6. despite my temporary insanity, the dignified person in me realizes that eating 6 of the cookies would be: 1) rude 2) noticeably odd, ie, mommy, that girl's eating all the cookies! 3) quite piggyish.

so i had 3.

on the search for more snacks, i mosied up to a table of pita chips. mmm, when was the last time we ate pita chips? my stomach asked. clearly, too long ago. so i ate about 3. ok, 4.

the problem with this whole scenario is i went waaaay beyond what john walsh in his book "pumping insulin" calls the "tipping point". i'll blog about this wonderful function of pumps later. for now, just know that i "out-ate my low". we all know what that means. but, like i said, when you're in a situation, you do what you gotta do, people!!

but if you can, treating lows with natural fast acting carbs are easier on your body, safer, and more easily calculated. i am so done with glucose tabs. the dyes in them really, really freak me out. and because you need to eat about 4 or 5 when you're low, i swear i can taste the dye. if only i'd had another juicy-juice on me that day....

here's how i [most often] try to treat my lows:

1. skip the cookies. too high in fat. fat prevents the sugar in the whatever-you're-eating from getting into your bloodstream fast enough. this is why a snickers bar will do you no good. neither will "all natural sun drops" (whole foods' store version of peanut m&m's.) because i eat whole grain breads, i even find their "lower glycemic index/load" extends my low longer. we're talking rapid-acting sugars.

2. use juice or dried fruit. there's a reason they're both on your daily no-no list. they're super concentrated in sugar. whole fruit is good for you, but i find the fiber in most fruit (which is what makes [most] fruit low glycemic, makes it just that: low glycemic. doesn't burn fast enough. dried fruit's pretty much had the fiber sucked out of it, and juice is like drinking double-digits of your chosen fruit. nice. i found these mini "juicy-juice" boxes at Target that have 16grams each. usually, this is enough. sometimes, not so much. ;) lots of flavors to choose from. i like the orange juice.

3. try fruit strips. natural foods markets often make these--sometimes called fruit leathers. they cost too much there. sorry to keep promoting Target (don't lie, i know you love it, too) but they make some boxed ones that are organic and about 11grams each. now, that's a little low in carbs for most of our lows, but hey, they're basically squished dried fruit. i think they taste great and are easy to get down, like juice. not like glucose tabs.

4. a tablespoon of honey goes a loooong way. what?! you don't carry around a trusty bottle of honey? just kidding. this one's more for home-lows. this makes me want to break into song: home, home on the range. where the lows can make you deraaaaaanged. ok, i'll stop now. but seriously, honey's a great way to treat a low: even though it's natural, it's super high-glycemic (watch out, you non-diabetics who only sweeten with honey-cos-it's-oh-so-natural.) i think it's basically like maple syrup, in that it's about 16 grams carb per Tbs. wow.

these are my main go-to's...but of course, sometimes there are situations. ;)

breakfast and who woke YOU up on the wrong side of the bed?!

okokokok,

i know.

i haven't blogged much this year. please don't hurt me. :)

i was...thinking.

too heavily, but you know...

i'll update more (i promise) and let you know all i've been thinking and learning about.so.very.much!

however, for now, i thought i'd reiterate my low glycemic-how-do-we-do-the-things-we-do-with-type 1-kick and start the new year with one of our favorite meals of the day

[insert snicker here]:

breakfast.

ya, i'm calling breakfast a fave.

my fave.

well, before i got diagnosed with the big D (or little d, in my little case) in 2008... i was like, a BRUNCH FREAK. i mean, this gal i know and i seemed to make it our life's purpose to go around all of albuquerque finding the hippest, funnest, yummiest places... for brunch. it's not just about eggs, folks. it's all of the swonderful-smarvelous-simply-splendid things you can do for breakfast.

until i got diagnosed.

ya, it felt like, GOODBYE GOLDSTREET CAFE WAFFLES! GOODBYE FRONTIER BREAKFAST BURRITOS! GOODBYE HUEVOS RANCHEROS! GOODBYE HOMEMADE SCONES!

ok, i sound like i just went off the deep end. and i did...kinda. because i was an adult when i got diagnosed, the whole "golden year" they talk about in the medical field was like, 100 times worse in me: i wanted to rock this beast of burden. i even swore off bread for a while. ok, like a day. but it felt like, forever!

disclaimer: i promise i don't actually say "like" in my daily vocab. it's just happening here because i'm trying to be like, thoroughly honest about my utter FREAKNESS phase i went through until i started figuring out how to actually cook and eat without missing out or...denying myself...or losing too much weight (i'm already too thin) or also, just saying f*%& it i'm gonna be just like those people who actually believe the statement, "you can eat whatever you want...as long as you cover it with insulin."

um, i'm sorry, but like, no. NONONONONONONONONONO. that does not work. i don't care who you are and what you tell me, i know you're lying. and so will everyone else in the DOC. word on the street: don't lose your cred!

anyway, back to breakfast.

i know it's tough. i wanted to go after somebody with one of my whisks and whip their heads into shape who told me to just double the dose because of the insulin resistance experienced by type 1's in the morning.

can i hear a WTF?!

i actually did this sometimes (more like triple) i confess. laziness, pure laziness.

then this summer (due to over full-time health classes) i promised myself i would find a way to balance my day by way of breakfast. 'cos you all know: you screw up breakfast, it takes all damn day to balance it out. it's even worse when you already woke up with Danny Dawn Phenomenon at your side. (it's like, whoa there! i am NOT into these random one night stands! you just think you can show up when you want to?) god, SUCH commitment-phobia!

so i wanted to offer some advice on what i have found that works SWIMMINGLY SWELL for little birdy's pancreas named peabody---who, by the way, did not feel so misadventurous at the end of the summer: that A1c i thought was gonna be in the mid 6's came back as (get this) 5.8%! you read that right. ok, i'll stop bragging.

note to readers: to comfort you, remember i just got my pump in late october and my initial A1c is gonna be like, 6.7% (i'm projecting) OH.DEAR.GOD. take comfort!

my point is i'm trying to show you that getting your food down, your exercise down (even a little--i promise i'm no gym freak) and not starving or overeating will do you wonders:

1. don't skip breakfast and eat it by 9am.

in Traditional Chinese medicine, the Stomach is active between 6 and 9am. with diabetes, we all know rapid-acting insulin's peak is about an hour after you inject and the duration is about 2-3 hours (unless you eat a high fat food.) my logic here (based solely on my personal experiment) is to then go on to to have a snack about 10am. i'm hoping you'll eat breakfast by 8am...

2. don't make breakfast too high-carb.

the logic is of course, morning insulin-resistance---experienced by all people, not just diabetics! the worst thing you can do is eat things like waffles or pancakes....at 8am! trust me, your pancreas (that isn't actually working anymore...hmmm, we need to have a chat about that someday, immune system!) and stomach will thank you.

they're like, "please don't make me work that hard, i just woke up, too." when you wake up, go easy on your body.

ideas that work great for me:

-a nectarine or black plum with a handful of salted almonds (it's a super-yummy combo that your tongue will thank you for!)

-old fashioned rolled oats (if you can't stand the idea of soaking steel cut and cooking in the morning) with a handful of flaxseeds and a squirt of agave nectar (this stuff is sooo sweet to me, go easy on it.) the oats are fibrous, slow-burning and filling, while the flaxseeds give you some much needed omega 3 essential-fatty acids.

-elana amsterdam's amazing recipes for all kinds of muffins are super healthy, low carb and did i mention tasty? i make her recipes all of the time and my BG does beyond great. in fact, i adjust most of her recommended 1/4 cup of agave nectar for each recipe to half that amount and (due to agave's sweetness) have done even better!

-lowfat plain greek yoghurt with a handful of oats and a squirt of agave nectar. the entire meal is low glycemic and filling.

-homemade miso soup. i know you think i'm crazy, but it really is fast, filling, and diabetic friendly. go easy on the paste (because it is salty) and pleasepleaseplease buy it organic (someday i'll explain the dangers of soy), and preferably low-sodium. miso is a version of soy(fermented) that is good for you, by the way, unlike most soy products in the u.s.

3. go easy on the caffeine.

i know i'm a natural-health nut, but seriously: a cup of decaf coffee or green tea will keep you from getting delayed hyperglycemia---which i was experiencing, i don't care that the study was solely on type 2's---and still give you the slightly-caffeinated boost you're begging for. i'm not lying, you will still get the psychosomatic response you need to 'wake up'. just do the weaning process slowly: when you go to buy coffee, fill the bag 3/4 to 1/4 caf to decaf, then the next time 1/2 and 1/2, and so on until you feel you're down to only decaf. nobody said it's a sin to want some java; just try cutting out the caffeine and you'll still feel rejuvenated without the negative effects. try to make this the only cup of coffee that you have a day, though (your adrenals will thank you.) you know, chai tea is a very nice drink throughout the day...wink, wink.

note: the warm drink also stimulates your Spleen to dump--which it should be doing. this is why we have a bowel movement in the morning. well, you should be, and if you're not, your Spleen is not happy, as this is it's time to shine. this is why it's important to eat/drink warmer foods in the morning; it allows the spleen to dump waste-products---Save Your Spleen! um, my new campaign. ;)

4. don't be afraid to snack.

the goal being that your chosen snack will be healthy and not the size of a small elephant---and i'm not necessarily advocating radishes. i'm simply saying if you go easy on the size of your breakfast, you will find that your blood sugar will go easy on you, and then you can have a worthwhile snack, which in turn will cause you not to gorge yourself on lunch and end up with carb coma at 2pm. ahhhhh, good ole carb-coma-high-blood-sugar-to-crash-cycle.

ideas:

-another kind of muffin!

-piece of fruit. i don't care what dr. bernstein says, i do not advocate that people not include fruit in their diets as diabetics. while i understand and appreciate much of what he says, fruit has too many vital vitamins and nutrients naturally occurring to be avoided and then just taken by way of supplements your body will only then poop out. i eat fruit everyday (2-3 servings by way of a smoothie with almond milk or just munching away) and feel that the fructose in it is just enough to give me a boost---and because it is a more complex molecule than glucose, it burns a bit slower in the break down. unless you know you're most likely low in something, get your vitamins and minerals by eating healthy, people!

-a bit of cottage cheese with tomatoes or fruit slices---no joke, it's really good if you like cottage cheese, right? i also think oikos greek yogurt makes these fun little organic cups in vanilla and blueberry (my faves) that are quite low carb.

-celery, apples, or bananas with peanut butter. it's important to have protein with carbs---for anyone not just diabetics. but it's especially important if you have blood sugar problems, which type 1 diabetics do...inherently. you could call us "carbohydrate reactive" as one nutritionist told me. and boy, do we react. :)

this is all i have for now. if this post seems odd or incomplete, get serious. it's wacky birdy we're talking about...of course it'll be odd. no really, please let me know if you have further questions. love&peace to you all, we're all in this boatload of learning together!

how to eat a low glycemic diet, part 3 (final)~

so what do I eat?

well, i try to do my best, so don't take me for being perfect and the be-all, end-all raw food fanatic or something! i crave cookies just like everybody. (now i just make my own, haha.) a few months ago i went psycho on the nutella and ate an entire jar in a week. seriously, peabody was not happy with me. i am also known to love icecream and cupcakes and to be a connoisseur of dark chocolate.

but the best thing i did for myself was start to eat all.day.long. now i'm never hungry and i never eat 100 grams of carbs in one sitting. i'm telling you, just try eating that whole "6 small meals a day are best for diabetics" philosophy and it'll change your life. your body can figure out way better what to do with synthetic insulin, and your blood sugar will thank you. or you'll thank your blood sugar. ;)

in the morning, i usually eat a small piece of fruit and some nuts, or even dark greens with a few slices of cheese (i know, i know: [insert laugh here]), or a boiled egg with a piece of spelt toast, or one of the almond flour-based muffins i bake for the week (yum!) or greek yoghurt with berries and sweetened with agave nectar. because morning is the time of greatest insulin resistance, go easy on your insulin intake. i'd say eat your lowest carb content meal of the day in the morning. protein and good fats (nuts, greek yogurt, a couple of slices of cheese) in the morning are way more important to wake you up and get you going than french toast with syrup (or even cereal, for that matter.) talk about a gusher. also, cut the caffeine: i know, i know: i am now pure EVIL! but i did some research a while back and found out that caffeine causes delayed hyperglycemia. it was a bit painful, but i slowly weaned myself to total decaf and now have the psychosomatic response i need from it. by the way, the World Health Organization labeled it a 'true drug', as in addiction. :)

about 9 or 10 a.m, i have some nuts or seeds, a small piece of fruit, a piece of peanut butter or almond butter [wholegrain] toast, greek yoghurt again, or a drink like a homemade almond shake or fruit smoothie. again, these are not huge servings. a bit at a time (especially if you are a buff guy, being hungry is understandable: that's why you eat throughout the day and not all your daily calories in one sitting.) :)

lunchtime i have a salad with tuna, egg, beans, or coldcuts, or dark cooked greens (very filling!) with some cold cuts or cheese, or beans (homeade chili) or soup, hummus in a whole grain wrap, avocado salad, quinoa salad...notice all of these are very real foods that burn a lot slower than a glucose tab (ok, better than pasta or a big hoagie.) try to include dark greens for lunch, they'll seriously fill you up. garlic, balsamic vinegar, olive oil, and the spectrum of spices all add wonderful flavors to veggies. i often think this is why people don't eat enough of them: they've just never been prepared with much flavor.

afternoon snacks are the same as midmorning, only lately i've been making it a hot drink, like a big cup of hot chocolate almond milk (or coconut). i also have a lot of wonderful recipes for healthy 'cookies' made from almond flour, coconut flour, spelt, and quinoa. call me a health nut. ;) the key with these is that they are merely nuts ground up; which is not making it 'over-processed' like the poor little pod that wheat once was. you're also getting healthy protein and monounsaturated fats in nut flours, whereas in most other carb-based flours all you're getting is...carbohydrate.

for dinner, i take it easy because i really believe how in chinese medicine, the body is 'slowing down': your stomach's hour is turning off around 6, so you want to try not to eat your carb-heaviest food after that. it doesn't mean you shouldn't eat, it's just best to not make it carb-heavy: hello pasta and pizza! we tend to eat a lot of chicken, pork, fish, kebabs, wild rice, baked veggies, chili, lentil soup, root veggies...and yes, potatoes with their skin.

*on a strange note, i do like larabars. they're 'raw food' snack bars with only a few ingredients in flavors like cherry pie and pb&j and they are stupendous for treating lows or before/after exercise. they never go over about 30 grams of carbs as far as i've seen, either. the only thing i don't like about them is the pretty penny they cost: about $1.29 here in the Q. i wish i could figure out how to make them, i know they're not baked, but how do they get the consistency so.very.right??

does my diet seem...boring? probably to most. but you know, i think getting bored with food is a 'first world' (i hate that phrase) problem. i'm guilty of this idea of boredom just as much as anyone. but we need to rethink our notions of boring, too, and focus on flavor through cooking with herbs and healthy fats like olive oil and nut oils (if you are not allergic), cacao over 70% when baking (for the antioxidants), and using truly unrefined sweeteners like coconut sugar and dark agave nectar---the only two i bake with and sweeten with now. they're lower in carbs per serving and lower in glycemic load, too. as a result of becoming cognizant of how i flavor the basic ingredient of my food, it's become yummier and not so---sugarcoated, if you know what i mean. i can actually taste my food.

on a safety note, i noticed that i often have to take my dose over a bit more extended period of time because of how slow low GI/GL foods can burn. i wouldn't recommend taking your whole dose of insulin at once if you're eating avocado or nuts in the meal. talk about mid-meal hypos! this just goes to show how much slower and steady the rise in BG is, let alone less if the food's got a low glycemic load. and um, yaaay to lower post-meal numbers!

two of my absolute favorite recipe websites:

http://www.elanaspantry.com/

http://www.thenourishinggourmet.com/

big shout out to elana and kimi!

this post is dedicated to dear, patient elizabeth. ;)

*this is officially the longest blog post the planet have ever seen; thank god i broke it into three parts. :)

how to eat a low glycemic diet, part 2~

what's the deal then, you ask? how the heck am i supposed to figure out what to eat?

listen to michael pollan, a food activist i'm going to blatantly steal from here:

eat real food. mostly plants. not too much.

if you have diabetes and can make that your food mantra, you will live a long, healthy life.

(i do want to point out that he's not promoting vegetarianism, he was just trying to point out what to fill most of your plate with when you eat, and to make it what truly 'fills' you.)

think of all the frankenfoods and over-processed foods we've been taught are normal: cereal, snack bars, crackers, cookies, sports drinks, muffins, pasta, chips...the list is endless. there's a reason you feel tired and hungry after you eat these foods: your body is having to work way too hard to process them. they are fillers. they confuse the human body and make it spill waaay more insulin than it was designed to. it doesn't matter if you have type 1: you are your pancreas now and will only have to take more of the blessed hormone. this is where the term glycemic load comes in and why it's more important than glycemic index: you never want the foods you are eating to be a 'heavy' load on your pancreas' output ability...hello type 2 diabetes! where do you think we get the terms "carb coma" and insulin resistance from? why do unhealthy type 1 diabetics begin to resemble unhealthy type 2's over the years? don't give your body more than it can 'carry.'

the key to low glycemic eating is just real food. i eat a lot of fruits and veggies (very few are high glycemic, here's a list i used to start learning after my diagnosis) and when it comes to grains and legumes, i eat just that: grains and legumes in their most basic form. that means you just do your best to stay away from any real food that's had the life processed out of it: fruit into juice, wheat into white flour, sweeteners so refined they resemble nothing of their former plant self. call it bad-cosmetic-surgery-on-food.

when in doubt, ask yourself:

• is it real food? (in as close to its natural state for me to consume?)
• is it an 'old' food? (how long have humans been eating it? real food is old food.)
• did you make it? (how many ingredients did you use: less is more.)
• does it have its own rich color or one that is dyed? (naturally dark pigmented foods are vital nutrient sources.)
• has it been sweetened? (does it really need to be?)
• did i break it down more than it should be? (i.e., potatoes with skin turned into peeled mashed potatoes)
• what 'kind' of sweet is it? (fructose, lactose, dextrose, sucrose: the larger the molecule, the longer it'll take your liver to turn into glucose: this is gentle, this is good.)

how to eat a low glycemic diet, part 1~

i've had a lot of people in my life ask me about my diet recently. even my nice, new endo. while i've certainly learned a helluva lot more about healthy eating with the disease than without, i will say that eating a low glycemic diet has helped maintain blood sugar balance tremendously. bummer i had to get type 1 to take such a keen interest. ;)

first things first:

what does "low glycemic" mean, anyway? there's a lot of talk out there using the phrase (and somewhat carelessly, i might add) but often little understanding of what it means to eat food this particular way.

it's important to understand the difference between glycemic index and glycemic load, also.

*note: while the picture above only states 'GI' on it, low GL foods also look the same graphically. also, that picture i borrowed sucks. the time is horizontal (as is traditional in algebra, duh) and the blood glucose is vertical. also, the red line is High GI and the blue is Low GI.

the term glycemic index was first coined after scientists figured out the [standard] insulin response to carbs. specifically, it relates to the quality of a carbohydrate and thus how fast the blood sugar will rise. values are placed on foods: the lower the index, the slower the rise. the index ranges from about 20 to 100. obviously, pure glucose is rated 100. there's a reason we all know to have pure sugar when we are low, right?! we need our sugar to come back up fast! so, a good rule of thumb: the more processed a food is, the higher its index. most fruits contain fructose (a more complex sugar than pure glucose, thus it takes longer for your body to break it down: a good thing!) and are low to medium GI foods. this is not only due to their carb content being made of mostly fructose, but also fiber (if you're diabetic and don't like fiber: GET WITH IT! FIBER IS YOUR BEST FRIEND!)

on the other hand we have the more recently coined term, glycemic load. this was figured out after scientists at harvard realized it was not only important to know the standard effect on blood sugar rise, but also the actual amount of carbohydrate in that particular food. glycemic load ranges from 1-20. thus, while a food like beets has a high GI (64/100) it has a measly glycemic load of 3 because its carb count is only 5. same goes for pumpkin, watermelon, carrots...you get the picture.

so, do you think i memorized the GI/GL values for carbs? uh, no.

can i get a loud UH, NO!

don't be ridiculous. as you read my 3-part series on low glycemic eating, you'll get pointers and even the basic list i started learning with from the good (but somewhat problematic lowcarbdiets on about.com.) but more importantly, a way to trust your gut when shopping for food or eating out.

low to moderate GI/GL numbers are key to balanced blood sugar---for anyone, not just people living with diabetes.

you will learn to eyeball food values that'll burn fast or slow or moderate just like you did when you learned to count carbs. in fact, you already know a lot of this, i believe.

this is where a healthy sense of low-carb eating enters: ever try to eat white-pasta-based mac&cheese and wonder why you thought you were going to die?

simple answer: a GI of 64/100 with a glycemic load of 19/20.

god help your little pancreas (even if you're type 1 and it malfunctioned.)

things that make me happy~

i really need to write about what makes me happy, because frankly, while i'm still very excited about my pump, it's been rough. i don't like focusing on the negative things of life and i really, truly believe this is why my life always works out (and believe me, it hasn't been a hay ride.) i don't really believe in good and bad luck.

i make my own luck.

GASP!

[see random photo taking over the page.]

ahem,

so here is my gratitude list of things that make me jump for joy even while life is handing me some serious humor-sucking blood sugar lemons:

• my pump is green. i love green! (even though i have no idea what i'm doing yet!)
• i love teaching english to refugees and forging the friendships i have with them (even though we have no idea what the other is saying half the time!)
• hiking in new mexico in the fall; there's just no comparison to the colors, textures, air...(you get my point.)
• the new music i've been downloading for my workouts (rox my sox!)
• i love baking and especially love all of the seasonal food we've been eating: dark greens in our stews, pumpkin in the muffins, and green chile to warm us up! (but not too hot, garcia's cafe!)
• i have a stronger desire to play the harmonica lately (thank you, revival tour!)
• oh good gracious, matthew gave me a ring for that finger :)
• jimmy stewart films make me bubbly (and not just "it's a wonderful life.")
• straight-up, loyal friends are a gift i value (and yes, i mean what i say.)
• the good healthcare i have received so far from my cde and family doc (and my own brain's ability to process complicated issues while reading, haha.)
• getting to do more massage therapy on people actually makes me feel good. :)
• i'm getting purple streaks in my hair! (they might be blue or pink sometimes!)

what makes you feel better when you're going through a rough patch? what do you remind yourself of?

how do you make your own luck?

extra-rude endos~

my last post was all about how upsetting some of the adjustments to the pump have been for me. however, all in all it's been a great thing, this little complicated (but not really) contraption. i have to admit how surprised i was at how user friendly my ping! is.

but then i met my 'new' endo. funny that i like the mechanical device attached to my body more.

this guy was a real piece of work.

classic napoleon complex, on top of his own version of "i have this need to prove that i'm better than everyone."

the resident working under him (pity her) though is super great. she's been very understanding and really makes an effort to tell you how well she thinks you're doing.

get this: she even laughs. at real jokes.

so when this guy walked in the room, all pompous with his chest puffed out, i wanted to stand up and say, " i can see where this is going" even before he opened his mouth. a judgement, i know. but sometimes your gut is nothing but right.

i was really stressed out about the numbers i'd been having. i knew going in that i wanted my basal upped temporarily so i could actually do a real basal test.

i also know my total daily dose, how much was averaging for correction, and how i needed a lower insulin:carb ratio in the morning. but he didn't care about that. he didn't trust anything i said. he wanted to 'figure it out' himself.

so this guy grabs my pump off my pants without asking and starts fooling with it. as he heads to the bolus menu (which is a bit sensitive on the ping, no fear, if you hit too many buttons, it'll just 'bolus' zero, but still...) i start to hear myself saying nooooooooooo! in my head. he kept 'delivering' (zero insulin) but it annoyed me because i could hear the cartridge. i could feel myself sweating.

but the best part: he'd make that shhh sound and put his hand up to stop you when he didn't want you to talk. or, when he asked you a question and heard 'enough' of your response. nice.

then he asked me about carb intake. i said i'm not a carb freak, but that i also don't feel type 1's do very well with high carb bolusing anyway.

he shhh's me, his hand in my face.

"FORGET ALL OF THAT. I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE DOING THAT. IF YOUR SETTINGS ARE RIGHT OR IF YOU'D BEEN BOLUSING CORRECTLY IN THE PAST ON MDI'S YOU WOULD'VE BEEN ABLE TO EAT WHATEVER YOU WANT."

ok, you can stop shouting at me now.

in the end, he regurgitated back to me what i'd tried telling him in the beginning. he stood up, satisfied with himself.

the most upsetting thing about such a visit is your lost sense of dignity and intelligence. this is my disease. i own it. i live with it. to ask me nothing about myself, to care nothing about my responses, my real concerns, my worries is simply...socially retarded if you're a doctor.

as this one wonderful endo once said to me, "it's my job to help you see the forest from the trees." he was also the one who taught me not to have more than 45 grams of carb in one meal. lifesaver.

lately, i've been doing a lot of reading and ruminating on how to speak my mind and heart, stand up for myself with certain kinds of people, and to truly get away from the competitive and possessive nature of many relationships. yesterday, i felt like a failure because he caught me so off guard that i could barely open my mouth. that's a problem with me in general. when and if i finally tell how i truly feel, people either completely ignore me or just attack, never trusting that what i'm saying might uh, actually be how i feel. genius.

while i work on these things, i can at least say this as rule number one:

no one will ever grab my pump off my body like that again.