starting from scratch~

I had my monthly appointment with my CDE the other day. I told her I felt like a complete mess. Yes, I am a perfectionist about a disease that the word perfection has no ability to even sit in the same room with, but still. I'm trying to keep my a1C under control (it's creeping up) and after my seizure this summer, I need to be extra careful not to let low blood sugar sneak up on me so…well, scarily, again. But it's creeping up partly due to that paranoia and also all these breastfeeding hormones and well...life as a new mum.

I sometimes feel like I'm taking care of two babies, to be thoroughly honest.

It can be hard to eat normal meals when I feel so on the run lately. My boy (aka, Littlebird) is literally on the run now, since he started crawling. I'm just trying to keep him out of the potted norfolk pine we have in our living room. He sticks his chubby little hands in the soil and then proceeds to pull on Norf's branches until he rips off a sample to test. Yum.

So I've found myself tending towards the good old "3 Meals a Day" habit. Not a good one. For anyone, diabetes or not. 4-6 small meals really is the way to go as far as regulating blood sugar and only giving your body a bit to process at one time. But there I am, day after day for the last 3 months, eating 60 grams of carbohydrate in one sitting. Which to most people is not a lot, but that's really hard for your body to metabolize all at once.

At my appointment, we talked about 'starting from scratch'. I'm trying to take it easy on my body again, especially because a woman's body is never the same after having a baby. Especially a type 1 diabetic's, ah! The irony of the situation is that I really, truly need to eat more carbohydrate in order not to lose too much weight since my boy is exclusively breastfeeding still (here we are, nearly 9 months in; more on my take on all of that later) and I'm already my pre-pregnancy weight. Controlling my blood sugar before I had my son was a challenge but it didn't feel as impossible as it does sometimes now. Let's just call it what it is: Hormone Hell. I feel like as I attempt to maintain my weight (it's always been hard for me to keep weight on) and do so by eating more carbohydrate) I end up in this high/low to low/rebound high battle with my BG---as you can imagine: a vicious cycle ensues...

Oh, what a situation to be faced with! But I know this isn't really a situation...it's a condition of my life and I just need to learn to make it work for me as much as possible as hard as that might be. I know some type 1 mamas I've talked to have said it gets easier and I think that's because children get more independent as they get older---a good thing! But for now, I'm literally dealing with what feels like the same thing over and over and over again: Littlebird gets into the Norfolk Pine pot, Littlebird gets into the unable-to-be-moved office computer cords, Littlebird is having a major meltdown right when I'm having low blood sugar. Oy. And as you know, I can't let that go. No discussion.

So I end up dealing with a lot of "diabetes guilt" for so many other reasons than the common ones discussed in the DOC (diabetes online community). The kind of guilt that stems from the fact that I deal with a disease that has very little leeway in certain situations when my son is overwhelmed and needing me---feeling like there is very little leeway for that, haha! As I look down at him sitting on the floor, red-faced and screaming while I chug a juice box, his eyes demanding WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME?! I find myself looking forward to the day I can explain it to him and he can actually, truly understand. But for now, we struggle in our communications at times; it's all a learning process I know. And yes, yes: I know he doesn't 'hold it against me', but well, it doesn't change my feelings of frustration and anger and guilt surrounding this godawful disease.

So I'll end this post with things I am thankful for because there is always a 'real' reason to look up:

-I am thankful he is so strong and healthy and happy---oh my gosh is my son HAPPY!

-I am thankful for my own health. I have access to everything I need and more and considering my frustration, I'm doing just fine. There's always room for improvement, but hey: that's just life.

-I am thankful for the amazing support system I have in my family and "friend-family". My partner, Matthew, has really done nothing short of amazing in learning my disease-process right along side me, and my close friends are like my family in that they've reached out and been compassionate and understanding without being pitying or condescending. They trust me to know myself, but know I trust them to be there for me in case I need them in a pinch with this beast of a burden!

All in all, it's a wonder, really, isn't it? All of us doing as well as we do, making positive little changes each and every day, whenever we can. Knowledge is power. And we do have a lot of power.

i miss granola~

I used to eat freely. Before March 2008, that is.

Now, I know some of you reading this are saying, "Here we go again. She's complaining about how she wishes she could just eat."

Bear with me.

Am I technically venting? Well, yes. So please bear with me because maybe I'll make all you non-diabetics hungry and you can go out after reading this and buy yourself some of the snackies I so wish I could freely eat without complication. Things like granola.

Why granola?

Because it's damn tasty, that's why!

Granola is made of:

oats (carbs), fruit (carbs), nuts (protein-fat-carb), [often] honey (carbs). Then of you course you must have milk with it (carbs-protein).

As you can see, granola is a high-carb food. Off the top of my head I can tell you a 1/2 cup (that's right, 1/2 cup!) has 56 grams (!) of carbohydrate (and this can go higher depending on the type of granola) in and of itself. This does not include the tasty milk that mustmustmust go with it.

I am abnormally educated in nutrition. No joke. Every type 1 diabetic (I believe I mentioned this a loooong time ago in one of my posts how we are your [free] source of information on food) who is even slightly attempting good blood sugar control knows so much about food it's almost enough to make you lose your appetite. So really, just ask away.

Everything from what type a food is and why, how it metabolizes in your body when you eat it, and the best part: how it metabolizes in combination with other types of food.

I am simultaneously getting hungry and irritated as I write this, believe it or not. And this is mostly because I'm craving granola.

I would say though that the hardest foods to process are not just 'pure' carbohydrate---like granola. You get quite the spike in blood sugar from a purely high carb food just because it takes a lot of work for your pancreas to spill enough insulin in time to keep up with that amount of carb floating around. The problem therein lies in that combination issue I mentioned above. So do yourself a favor and take it easy on purely sugary foods. This is why it's so important for everyone (not just diabetics) to combine proteins with carbs; it helps slow the carbohydrate release down so that you you burn food more like the "normal" function part of this graph than the "diabetic" function image part. Oh, the struggle.

But as you can see, I'm also not saying what a lot of people like to say to diabetics Oh, you can't eat sugar!

They're trying to talk about straight sugar, like we all crave sitting around downing restaurant sugar packets or something. Um, no. As a side note though, I did see this guy at a coffee shop last week who pouuuuuured (I say pouuuuured because he did not just 'add' some, he pouuuuuured) white sugar and then pouuuuured honey into his coffee for nearly 5 seconds a pouuuuur. Kid you not. Just because his pancreas works doesn't mean it wasn't giving him the finger for that.

So the hardest foods to keep up with as far as diabetes goes (at least as far as I know) are those that are equally high in fat as they are carbs. And of course, they are often the most comforting and tastiest foods:

Icecream

Pizza

Mashed potatoes

Fries

Mousse

Yoghurt

Nutella. Oh, deardeardear Nutella---you are a post in yourself.

Why so difficult? Because when you eat a carby-fatty food (or a fatty-carby food, depending on your view, I guess, haha) the fat literally slows the carb's release and then later, as the carbohydrate finally begins to make its way through for metabolizing, your pancreas has to do one helluva job to keep up with all that carbohydrate suddenly entering your bloodstream. This is why type 1 diabetics have major issues when they take a huge dose of insulin for say, pizza. They crash an hour later (the fat in the cheese is holding the carb back so now you have all this insulin floating around and no glucose to attach to) you treat the awful low, but then 4 hours later (sometimes up to 7!) you have this HUMUNGOUS spike because now there's no more insulin to help the carbs now ready for processing. Nice. And so fun to deal with, right? Low, high, high, high, looooow. So thanks be to god for pump technology; that's what "combo bolusing" and "dual wave" bolus functions are for---they break up your insulin dose into a percentage over a period of time that you decide on so you don't get this boatload of insulin all at once. Kinda like the way everybody else's pancreas functions. Well, the way our pancreas is supposed to be functioning. Hooray! Let's all go eat pizza.

(Hmm, it has just occurred to me that I think I'm writing this post because it's basically a pep talk for me not to raid my snack cabinet of all its granola.)

But it's also a pep talk to all of you out there who are perhaps reading this. Well, obviously you're not 'perhaps' reading this if you're reading this. ;)

Our health is so worth it, though; all this annoying-but-oh-so-important figuring it out. And some foods that are advertised as healthy snacks can be sneaky---like granola. So I've learned to take it easy on my pancreas (Peabody). He did his best and now my insulin pump (Peabody Jr.) does his best, but let's not push it.

So I am now going to go have some granola. Strawberry Almond Hemp, my fave. A small bowl, not like the bowl in that picture up there. That's gotta be like 115 grams of carbohydrate, easy. And while it frustrates and embarrasses me to no end that whenever I want certain things like this I actually need to use a food scale which then makes me appear to be on a diet (I guess I am, kind of) it only helps me to learn how to eyeball foods better in public when I um, do not have my food scale with me. (Can you imagine?! Just call me Type 1 Mary Poppins; I'll be pulling lamps out of my bag before you know it!) Hey, it's better than counting out 23 pretzels, haha. But please note the food scale's not for restricting food so I can restrict my weight. It's the food scale's fault: it's actually restricting me from eating an entire bag of potato chips (the way I'd really like to sometimes!) Honestly, it's helped a lot in doing correct measurements for my carbs so my insulin dose is correct, too.

I've also found this reallyreallyreally great vanilla almond milk to go in my granola and to eat cookies with. It's only 2 grams of carb per cup and quite creamy and is absolutely awesome chilled. Oh, but it's yucky in coffee, though, just a warning. :)

seize the day, literally.

In July, I had a seizure. Ya, seizure. Let me start off by first just saying yowza.

Now, maybe some of you have had one already. Or maybe you haven't. Maybe you're thinking ohmygoshyoumustbeareallybaddiabetic.

Well, what's a Really Bad Diabetic, anyway?!

Is it someone who doesn't 'do what their told'?

Someone who doesn't check their blood sugar?

Someone who refuses to take insulin if they need it?

And these are just the basics.

What about all of the complicating factors that go into being a person with diabetes---and a person who cares about their disease a lot, at that. I honestly believe that the people who engage and deal with this disease every day and keep it under relative control are those who see how complicating it is to their lives and those around them the most. You find yourself trying so hard to own it, control it, tell it how it's gonna be, that you end up being the person that sometimes feels like they can't take anymore. Of course, as with anything else you've given the finger to---whether from burn-out or just plain apathy--- if you've stopped caring, you're trying not to think about it. This works. For a time.

But I care. I really do. That's what bothers me about the seizure the most. It wasn't a result of my being reckless with insulin or checking my BG or any other diabetic-related matter.

Do I sound sensitive?

Well, I am about this situation, I've realized. Because I work so hard at keeping this disease balanced. Trying to control it, you know? Well, sometimes, diabetes just feels like it's got control over you no matter what you're doing so right.

Having said that first, now let me get into what happened:

I had just finished breakfast and nursing my son (I am a full-time breastfeeding mama to my superhealthy son right now) and our family was headed to the local farmer's market, like we do every Saturday during the growing season. I checked my BG in the car right before we got out and headed over to shop and stroll. I was in the mid-80s with about a unit on board. Not too shabby, so I drank a juice, planning on buying a delectable little snack (like we normally do) when we got there. As we were getting ready to walk over, I asked Matthew, my partner, if I should just wear our son (I'm big into babywearing). He said, "Na, I'll just carry him today". By the way, they both have the same outdoorsy hat and it's so.freaking.cute. I think he just wanted to show Littlebird off, haha.

Good thing.

Looking back now, as we did our initial shopping, I was starting to lose my mind. I was buying things without even thinking about why (3 tiny tomatoes? what the heck was I planning on doing with those exactly?) I usually have a good idea of what I want to buy to make for dinners that week and man, was I off. As we made our way around the bend (almost to the snacky-food area!) I saw an old friend and simply said, "heyhow'sitgoing?" and kept walking past her (she later told me it was as if I didn't recognize her). The last thing I remember is thinking I was tripping and going. "Oh, wow". Scary.

Of course I wasn't exactly present while I was having the seizure, but from what I was told, this is what happened: I started to fall in that "tripping" way like I said, but kind of on a woman (poor woman and my dead weight!) and she kindly attempted to break my fall. But I just fell. When I hit the ground, clearly seizing, not just passing out, people made some space for me. Serendipitously enough, an ER doctor was doing his shopping for the week too and just so happened to be passing by (I'm always amazed at how lucky I've been in life, yeesh!) so he stopped to assist. He said I only seized for about 2 minutes, which is a safe-from-damage number, neurologically speaking. When I came to, the crowd dispersed (good lord, how embarrassing) and because we were next to the stand selling pies, the man behind it starting shouting "hey, you wanna buy my pie?!" Um, no. We don't. want.pie.right.now. Sir.

It really was the perfect place for such an er, incident. The paramedics were already there and just helped me up and they decided to transport me because it was my first seizure ever. Even though they realized I had type 1. To be honest, it's all still blurry from after I woke up all the way to being put into an ER exam room. I'm not sure how well I would've been able to walk to the car, etc---had they decided not to transport. The rest of that day and the next two were all pretty foggy and dream-like, actually.

It took an hour or so for my BG to actually come up and stay up. They gave me good old Tang in the ER and even made me eat half a sandwich and my BG was still in the 70's! So it probably was the safest bet to not just 'sit up, relax, head home'. I was pretty bummed we had to cancel our brunch plans with awesome friends, though. :(

One of the hardest things about it all was the post-muscle-aches. My whole jaw was sore from clenching (every muscle in your body contracts during a seizure. Nice.) and I had a lot of back pain. Even my legs hurt; like I'd been running and out of shape or something. But it eased up in the next day or so. Phew. Thank god for epsom salt baths.

So I know you're wondering, How did this happen?!

Apparently, type 1 diabetic nursing moms are particularly at-risk for seizures. The risk combo of going low from nursing, constant change in how the body processes food, and of course all our fave: female hormone interactions can create what my CDE called so eloquently "a perfect storm of events". Boy, was she right. That day, I'd just eaten breakfast, nursed, used my brain at the farmer's market (which always causes me to burn glucose like crazy) and all the walking, too---yeesh, it's no wonder I just went ahead and passed out.

I just wish someone would've um, you know, WARNED ME.

Even a little bit. About the whole "type 1 diabetic nursing mothers are at high risk for seizures" thing. Ya, that particular warning would've been a real help, I think. I dunno, maybe that's just me. ;)

But, there are so many warnings given to those of us living with this disease. I think good CDEs find themselves not wanting to become that person. You know the one. The person always warning you about being a diabetic. How a 'good' diabetic is, was, and always shall be. Ya, that one. Riiiiight.

So I'm getting back on track. I have a whole new respect for low blood sugar I didn't think possible because I never let a low go (hey, that sounds kinda cool) and have tons of kiddie juice boxes all over the place. However, that blasted day, I only had one and didn't follow it up immediately like I usually do with some carb with protein type snack I keep in my handbag to keep from dropping again too quickly. Oy.

The following week I rode a bit high on my numbers because, frankly, I was terrified out of my mind of it happening again. Like when I'm driving with my little one in the car. :/

Then, my CDE and I started to slowly work our way back to a more normal glucose range safely. I'm still struggling with the lows, but that may now be due to my breastmilk changing. Ya, no one tells you that, either. Breastmilk changes in its nutrient content throughout that first year depending on the baby's needs: sometimes it's higher in fat, sometimes its water content is high for greater hydration purposes, etc.

But I want to make it very clear that I'm happy with my decision to do what is called in the U.S "extended breastfeeding" [insert cackle here because in other cultures it's just called, er, feeding your baby]. It's always been really important to me to provide the wonderful nutrients and immune-regulating properties in breastmilk to my child[ren] for as long as their bodies needed/wanted it (aka, baby-led weaning/solids) and so far, so good. Did you know the immune-regulating properties in breastmilk actually increase after baby's first year? Good enough incentive for me, being a person with an auto-immune disease trying to do the best I can to regulate my kiddo's immune system---um, thanks!

So here I am, doing my best, but sometimes, if this disease was a psycho ex-boyfriend (er, none of mine are psychos, just boring, mostly) I'd like to go after it all knuckle-busting-style and beat the royal crap out of it. But I can't. I just can't. As close as it is to me, every.single.flippin'.day---I can't beat the crap out of it. I can only work my arse off at a friendship that is, at best, 1 and 3/4 sided. And that's on a good day.

But...have I mentioned how so dang worth it all the craptasticness of it is, because my little guy is healthy and happy---and mostly, short of a couple of bruises from falling, so am I?

sometimes we just need a little reminder~

He is so worth it.

There are days where I'm so overwhelmed dealing with not only the emotional roller coaster of having just had our first child (well, 3 1/2 months ago) but also literally the hormone-hell that is messing with my body in general being a type 1 diabetic.

And then, I need a place to put Littlebird while I do laundry and he looks up at me like... that. My heart melts and I know, no matter what, he makes it all worth it. He motivates me endlessly. He fills my heart up with so much love, it's overflowing.

MAC (his dad) and I really worked for our baby. We had to plan so much because of my Type 1 Diabetes that it started feeling like the romance was being taken out of babymaking! ;) But I'm so glad we did. Our little guy is not only a bundle of joy, he's super healthy and happy (as you can see.) We're both pretty sappy, I guess. Maybe all new parents are. We actually still get tears in our eyes, though, like all googoogaga, you know? ;)

What I'm trying to say is that while my body still adjusts constantly it seems while I'm breastfeeding, I often beat myself up for all the pendulum swinging I can do. Highs to lows, lows to rebound highs. I'm so grateful for having a good pregnancy CDE. She's been my lifesaver! Each week still, it seems I'm needing to get some slight adjustments to my basal rates as my body comes out of pregnancy fog. It's a wonder to even ponder what nondiabetic women's bodies are going through to readjust. No wonder everyone feels crazy for a while. I know I...still do! ;)

Food is (as always, when will it not be?) still a struggle. I'm trying to navigate that fine line between foods that won't make me spike and foods that will sustain me through nursing so that I don't go low. While I've got the nighttime basal rates down (20% reduction after nursing to prevent bottoming out) I'm still trying to figure out the window during the daytime to prevent delayed hypoglycemia but still provide enough of a baseline for daily life. Ugh, what a complicated mess it can be. But we're getting there. Oh wait, where is "there"? Right. We're constantly figuring the ever-changing "there" out.

The thing about type 1 diabetes is that it's one of the realest lessons in learning to go with the flow. It's one of the greatest lessons in learning to be compassionate with yourself. It's one of the worst things to deal with---counting every gram of carbohydrate that enters your body (let alone how it interacts with everything it's combined with) but it's also one of the best ways to learn about good health. Because health is not just a number on the scale. Health is wholeness: it's how you view yourself. Your mind, your body. Your food and where it comes from. How you savor it, if you savor it. Health is wholeness. It's about wholly enjoying life and all that it should truly be about. We talk a lot about learning to love ourselves in this culture, but how many people look like they're the walking manifestation of self-loathing? Why don't we stop to slow down and take it all in...I mean it all in: the good, the bad, the ugly. If we could do this for ourselves, we could certainly do it for others. But instead, we're hard on others and even harder on ourselves.

Maybe that's why when you get diagnosed with a chronic disease it's easy to start the self-loathing cycle.

Well, I promised myself to try to make the 'enemy' part of this disease (re: my immune system up and deciding to attack my poor little pancreas) my friend. I sometimes wish I could say things like, there are no compromises! I shall conquer and WIN! but unfortunately, this battle's not going to be 'won' like that. This battle (like most conflicts in life, if we'd all just wake up and realize this fact, globally) takes negotiation. It takes compromise. It takes discussion. And it takes a helluva lot of work.

It'd be a lot easier to just get up and run away screaming from our disease. But that's just it: it's too easy to burn out. Oh, we all have our burn-outs. But I'm talking about people who completely and utterly give up. They're done. So over it. Their eyes are going. Their kidneys are going. They're just like...Eff it. And when it's really frustrating...who can blame them?

But we've gotta keep going. You have to find that something that makes it worth it.

I know I have.

It's a damn wrecking ball~

Frankly, this is how I feel regarding this bloody disease lately.

To continue on with the 'building' metaphors, I feel like I built such a strong foundation in my body last year as I prepared for pregnancy. And ya, the building went up, strong as granite, built to protect my sweet Littlebird. He grew and grew and I stayed healthy all throughout.

Then he was born.

I can barely begin to describe the havoc that post-pregnancy hormones wreak upon a type 1 diabetic woman's body.

Sigh. Guys have it so much easier.

Combining all of the pregnancy regulating hormones still processing out of the body, on top of the ones it needs to produce all this milk, let alone the mess type 1 creates in and of itself on a daily basis...I'm a wreck. I feel like a wreck.

Then I got my bloodwork back last week. I was honestly really freaked out about my thyroid panel results. I know that type 1 and autoimmune thyroid disease often go hand in hand (nice) and that women's thyroids often get wonky after pregnancy in general...so I feared the worst. But I kept talking to my body (I'm really into mind-body medicine) and kept saying to myself how I rejected getting another autoimmune disease (go ahead and laugh). Maybe it worked. Or maybe I was just lucky this time around, but my results came back fine.

And my A1c was 5.6%

Good? You readers might be jealous, but I'm honestly not sure how to take it. I know that number is due to a lot of post-breastfeeding lows that I'm still trying to work out. I've found that if I do a temp-basal of 80% for 2 hours after each feeding at night, it prevents the impending low. My CDE wanted me to just snack, but I was like, "um, all I'm thinking about is sleep, not eating at 2 a.m." So that's how I tinkered that temp basal right. But during the day I make sure I snack because otherwise I'll not be replacing the calories I lose through feeding him. I'm already starting to lose weight a bit too fast (I only have a few pounds to go until I'm my pre-pregnancy weight....not exactly a good thing considering I'm such a small gal, ugh!) So I'm trying to monitor this issue closely so I don't become like er, 1995 Kate Moss.

Then last week, I started having more post-partum bleeding. Not heavy, but it upset me because immediately my blood sugars started to go NUTSY. We're talking insulin resistance that caused my numbers to skyrocket. I even hit a 400. So I changed out my site and did a major pump and dump session of breastmilk. Talk about waste. And diabetes guilt. I was so mad. I was so tired. I felt so....disgusted.

Are you getting the picture? I'm up, down, up, down. Like one of those freakin' circus hammer bell games.

The most frustrating thing is that I'm generally a healthy eater. (Point: we went out to eat with a friend Friday night and I ordered Beet Loaf. You read that right: BEET LOAF. Why? Because I happen to like the damn stuff!) and I ended up with BGs in the near-300's. (Yes, it was a balanced meal. And yes, it had protein.)

Then, just as I was thinking about this stupid post and possibly freaking out more about this stupid freakin' disease...my blood sugars stabilized. Interesting that it happened right as that extra postpartum bleeding I'd started having stopped. That's why I hate hormones. Pregnancy was hard, but this....this is sometimes just pure insanity.

Why?

Because I'm caring for another little human being. And the irony of it is that I'm no good at caring for him if I don't take care of myself first. There's no healthy Littlebird if there's no healthy Mamabird to take care of him.

So I'm trying to refocus. To stay calm when things skyrocket or bottom out. To keep positive because I'm actually not doing that bad (read: it's not like every blood sugar's been 300). It just takes time. My superwonderful OB told me at my postpartum check up, "it's kind of a lie to tell women that they're fully postpartum and ready to 'move on' at the 6 week mark. Like it's this magic number where your body's just back to normal. It's more like 3-6 months!" So as my body recovers, I need to remember the process is not just from the physical act of giving birth, but all of the complex, chemical, internal processes that had to occur to make a baby, let alone feed one now. With my own body, (yeah that's amazing, right?!)

I'm just trying to stop judging myself so harshly. I've always been my worst critic. Not a good disease to have with perfectionism, I'll admit. :) The ways I've been easing things now are just by keeping my foods really, really simple (whole foods like yogurt, almonds, wild rice, cheese, dark greens, eggs, apples...and keeping a lot of snacks on board to prevent those breastfeeding lows and also so I can keep my meals small to prevent any spikes.) I've also promised myself a 30 minute walk each day during the week just to clear the babyfog. It's nice because I get to listen to my Ipod while the tinyman sleeps in his stroller. A good time for headspace.

As my CDE said, "we're getting there" and she's right. It's a journey, not a destination. I need to remember that. This is a day-to-day thing. I made it through one of the toughest scenarios with this wrecking ball of a disease (a pregnancy) and managed to build a damn palace out of it (my son) so I think I deserve a little credit after that week of pure hormone hell that I had last week. So my CDE's gonna be saying 'we're getting there' as long as I'm alive with this disease.

And I plan on being alive with it for my little birdy for a very, very long time.