Monday, April 21, 2008

given the state of things~

i was re-reading my journal last night because i was interested in how i'd been feeling over the last few months and how that was all spilling onto those pages.  

*sigh* i love journals.  they really remind you of where you were at in some point in your life.  as long as you're honest, of course.

so i was reading it, and realizing how bad it was!  i was wondering why my vision was blurry ("i'm tired...i study too late and too hard...")  "why can't i stop peeing?!"  "i'm thirsty"....the list goes on.  hey, who can think straight with a blood sugar of nearly 800?  who knows, let me tell you, who knows how we get by.

but i do.  and i always do.  and for that, i am grateful.  oh ya, people can tell you all sorts of things like why they think you survive.  but i'm gonna let you in on something.  

for me, it's because i just refuse to be a loser.  and i've lost my fair share of shit.  but i don't feel like ever giving up.  especially when in the past i felt surrounded by people that gave up on themselves, or the relationships that usually matter most...there always seems to be a better reason, as tiny as it may seem, to go on.  

so that's why i'm learning guitar.  and still writing poetry in little green notebooks.  and burning my oven out from all those recipes i like to try out.  i also read a few books  a month (and not just for school!) and make people laugh that take themselves waaaaay too seriously in my classes (and believe me, some of those anthropology people take themselves waaaay too seriously.)
  i think it's important to keep trying new things, even when new things (like diabetes) come and try you out. 
   at most, it'll keep you passionately in love with things like french toast and toddler's feet.  
                  at least, it'll keep the wrinkles and alzheimer's at bay.  

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