Monday, March 30, 2009

i'm fighting the pump~

i know, everyone tells me "once you get on the pump, you'll wonder how you ever lived without it."  
but to be hooked up like that picture you see there....i'm not there yet. 
ya, it's not that bad, but to me, it's that bad:
cyborgish, in a sense. that's how much i shut down when it's suggested by my endo and my cde.
    in medtronic and animas' ads they're all like, "on one side you've got your pump infusing insulin, on the other, you've got your continuous glucose monitor checking your blood sugar every minute."  hmmm, not so much, i say.  sorry, just not feeling the "excitement!!"
but this technology that would be attached to me (helping me no doubt)...i'm still not ready for it. 
and believe me, this has nothing to do with vanity.
to be honest, i'm not having any real problems: my last A1c was great, i manage my highs and lows well. but i've gotta tell ya, exercising and eating certain foods and the monitoring that goes with staying on top of that is certainly frustrating. but i'm fighting the pump because like Dee, my sweet diabetes educator said, "when you go on the pump, i think that's when it really hits you that you've got it."  on some level, i'm still associating the pump with imprisonment by my disease, and yet all the info out there---including from members of the online diabetes community---say it's what frees you.
but i'm not there yet. 
someday, to be sure, i will be.  i've always been a gal who adapts well: i take my time, think things through, really ruminate my thoughts and feelings.  never been rushed or easily pressured.  i just do my thing. because when i make a decision, i am strong and devoted to giving it my best shot.  and honestly, that's all that's going on here.  
so for now, it's just me and peabody and my needles and insulin vials, without any other friends along for the uh, already crazy ride

Thursday, March 19, 2009

on spring lettuce and herbs and pistachio pudding~

      after my somewhat melancholic type 1 first anniversary---i can't lie, i indeed moped around a bit the early part of the day.  it didn't help that the weather was windy and sullen; so i let myself feel it, take it in, chew on it...and then i proceeded to spit the sadness out as the day went on because i realized (i know, i know: i'm forever going on about finding joy and laughter despite disease...and any disease, not just mine!) that well,  i'm alive.  maybe it's stupid that i like to think about this fact most of us take for granted, but i sure as hell don't.  i was raised in a way that made one feel that we should really be more concerned with what happens after life. as far as i'm concerned, this is it, i'm loving it, and no one will ever be able to prove anything different to me because, well, you're not dead yet, either.  so let's stop with the bullshit and start skipping. 
    that was right about when i took my too-sad-to-smile-photo you see here and moved on.  i then began to think about my urban spring garden that will be full of container pots: lettuces, arugula (mmm, spicy!) gorgeous japanese eggplants, cherry tomatoes, cukes, and drying herbs in my new little shed in the fall after taking my awesome community herbalist class with ms. mary lou singleton this spring.  she was a student of the incredible michael moore (uh no, not the director.)  he just passed away, so mary lou is kindly sharing his anarcho-herbalism philosophy of medicinal botanicals with the world...well, albuquerque.  i'm so lucky!  

then i started craving pistachio pudding.

(ya, this post is officially tangential.)
so i found an amazing homemade recipe for it on this gal's super blog.  i adjusted it a bit, of course due to sugar content:
-you can substitute agave nectar -about 1/2c to 1c due to its naturally intense sweetness (which comes out to 48-128 carbs for the total recipe.)  divided by the 4 servings, that's 12-32 carbs per serving, depending on how much you add.  basically, it's 8 carbs per tablespoon, so just multiply.
-erythritol; cup for cup. (you'll have to order it online; i like the company 'NOW'.)  but since my palate is healthily changed to no longer crave/like/need too much sweetness (hand over the turkish coffee!) i always eyeball it lower.  remember, erythritol has been shown to have no impact on blood sugar (and i use it all the time so i can tell you: it's the truth!)  i think it's pretty sweet, so don't overdo it in my humble birdy opinion.
-instead of milk, you can use unsweetened almond milk.  if you use the unsweetened vanilla almond milk, you do not need as much of your choice sweetener! 

and there you will have a super snack, homemade so you know exactly what's in it and therefore exactly how much insulin to take.  the best part though is that it's really good for you and your friends, too! 

oh ya, and i have the most amazing friends (they are what i call "my family tribe".)  on my type 1 anniversary they held a surprise party where we all confused the waitress with our talk of 'peabody crapping out' cried and laughed and giggled and ate cheesecake.  the best part though of course, was feeling so loved and accepted by such amazing people...


Tuesday, March 3, 2009

poetry: ahora vivo! (now i live!)

now i live because this week last year i almost died. 
now i live because on march 6th 2008 i finally stopped being stubborn and went to the student health center.
now i live because i was given what my body could no longer make for itself: insulin.
now i live because my life is not promised to me everyday, it is injected if only i choose to make that commitment every single day.
now i live because i am surrounded by deeper friendships, new friendships, and rekindled friendships that have all rejuvenated me.
now i live because my life has deeper meanings than i could have ever imagined; meanings that drive and inspire me to re-evaluate my life and be as strong and yet as flexible as the trees.
now i live because i want to, not because i have to, or because i take waking up every morning for granted.  
now i live because for the first time in my life, i'm aware of my age.  i am turning 29, and i feel it in my back, my right knee, my left ankle.  
but now i live.  now i live because i still walk and breathe and talk and laugh and eat and love and cry and take care of myself.  type 1 diabetes has not incapacitated me so much that i cannot still work towards studying medicine so that i can help take care of others.  
"to whom much is given, much is expected."