Sunday, November 15, 2009

things that make me happy~

i really need to write about what makes me happy, because frankly, while i'm still very excited about my pump, it's been rough. i don't like focusing on the negative things of life and i really, truly believe this is why my life always works out (and believe me, it hasn't been a hay ride.) i don't really believe in good and bad luck.

i make my own luck.
[see random photo taking over the page.]

so here is my gratitude list of things that make me jump for joy even while life is handing me some serious humor-sucking blood sugar lemons:

  • my pump is green. i love green! (even though i have no idea what i'm doing yet!)
  • i love teaching english to refugees and forging the friendships i have with them (even though we have no idea what the other is saying half the time!)
  • hiking in new mexico in the fall; there's just no comparison to the colors, textures, air...(you get my point.)
  • the new music i've been downloading for my workouts (rox my sox!)
  • i love baking and especially love all of the seasonal food we've been eating: dark greens in our stews, pumpkin in the muffins, and green chile to warm us up! (but not too hot, garcia's cafe!)
  • i have a stronger desire to play the harmonica lately (thank you, revival tour!)
  • oh good gracious, matthew gave me a ring for that finger :)
  • jimmy stewart films make me bubbly (and not just "it's a wonderful life.")
  • straight-up, loyal friends are a gift i value (and yes, i mean what i say.)
  • the good healthcare i have received so far from my cde and family doc (and my own brain's ability to process complicated issues while reading, haha.)
  • getting to do more massage therapy on people actually makes me feel good. :)
  • i'm getting purple streaks in my hair! (they might be blue or pink sometimes!)
what makes you feel better when you're going through a rough patch? what do you remind yourself of?
how do you make your own luck?

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

extra-rude endos~

my last post was all about how upsetting some of the adjustments to the pump have been for me. however, all in all it's been a great thing, this little complicated (but not really) contraption. i have to admit how surprised i was at how user friendly my ping! is.
but then i met my 'new' endo. funny that i like the mechanical device attached to my body more.
this guy was a real piece of work.
classic napoleon complex, on top of his own version of "i have this need to prove that i'm better than everyone."
the resident working under him (pity her) though is super great. she's been very understanding and really makes an effort to tell you how well she thinks you're doing.
get this: she even laughs. at real jokes.
so when this guy walked in the room, all pompous with his chest puffed out, i wanted to stand up and say, " i can see where this is going" even before he opened his mouth. a judgement, i know. but sometimes your gut is nothing but right.
i was really stressed out about the numbers i'd been having. i knew going in that i wanted my basal upped temporarily so i could actually do a real basal test.
i also know my total daily dose, how much was averaging for correction, and how i needed a lower insulin:carb ratio in the morning. but he didn't care about that. he didn't trust anything i said. he wanted to 'figure it out' himself.
so this guy grabs my pump off my pants without asking and starts fooling with it. as he heads to the bolus menu (which is a bit sensitive on the ping, no fear, if you hit too many buttons, it'll just 'bolus' zero, but still...) i start to hear myself saying nooooooooooo! in my head. he kept 'delivering' (zero insulin) but it annoyed me because i could hear the cartridge. i could feel myself sweating.
but the best part: he'd make that shhh sound and put his hand up to stop you when he didn't want you to talk. or, when he asked you a question and heard 'enough' of your response. nice.
then he asked me about carb intake. i said i'm not a carb freak, but that i also don't feel type 1's do very well with high carb bolusing anyway.
he shhh's me, his hand in my face.
ok, you can stop shouting at me now.
in the end, he regurgitated back to me what i'd tried telling him in the beginning. he stood up, satisfied with himself.
the most upsetting thing about such a visit is your lost sense of dignity and intelligence. this is my disease. i own it. i live with it. to ask me nothing about myself, to care nothing about my responses, my real concerns, my worries is simply...socially retarded if you're a doctor.
as this one wonderful endo once said to me, "it's my job to help you see the forest from the trees." he was also the one who taught me not to have more than 45 grams of carb in one meal. lifesaver.
lately, i've been doing a lot of reading and ruminating on how to speak my mind and heart, stand up for myself with certain kinds of people, and to truly get away from the competitive and possessive nature of many relationships. yesterday, i felt like a failure because he caught me so off guard that i could barely open my mouth. that's a problem with me in general. when and if i finally tell how i truly feel, people either completely ignore me or just attack, never trusting that what i'm saying might uh, actually be how i feel. genius.

while i work on these things, i can at least say this as rule number one:
no one will ever grab my pump off my body like that again.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

yes, i cry a lot~

only in front of my boyfriend and best friend, though. :)
this transition to the pump is overwhelming me. i am doing basal testing but ever since a couple of days ago, i've had mostly high BGs. we're talking even a 370. painful. my control was so tight before on mdi's. of course, i experienced more hypoglycemia due to stacking, so maybe i need to stop whining for a while until this all gets worked out.
i just wish i knew what to do. all i can do is get the basal rates down for now, i know. i need to stay focused on that, because surely it isn't the bolus i did for salad. but i worry that the whole 'the site can affect the absorption' thing people talk about is at fault here. god, i hope not. i only have so much subq fat. i'm a really small gal, so it's not like i can use the little bit of fat in my lower abdomen every.three.days. i have to go upwards a bit and i'm also using the bit by my hips (commonly known as love handles, of which i have none, LOL.) is the absorption really that different?
and man, am i hungry! this testing-requiring-fasting stuff is really hard when you hear your tummy growling. i can rarely go four hours without eating. boo.
i'm seeing my endo tomorrow, maybe we can just up the basal rate immediately due to these clearly out of control highs. i can barely stand it. sigh. the perfectionist in me.
on a positive note, matthew pointed out to me how well i adapt to things. it's only been a year and a half, and despite the (literal) blood, sweat and tears, i always keep on. i'm not afraid of change, that's for sure. at this point in my life especially, nothing shocks me anymore, LOL. much still surprises me; disappointment mixed with a whole lot of joy.
i also have two beautiful classical songs i downloaded that have harps and accordians and pianos and violins. they hint of sadness and hope intertwined as perfectly as i feel right now.
think i'll just keep it on repeat.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

on babies and tangerines~

so i had my preconception counseling appointment with the great and wonderful dr. larry leeman at university of new mexico's family medicine clinic. this guy is great. just scroll to the bottom of that link when you open it to find his impressive "about me" section.
if/when i get pregnant, i wouldn't be delivering at the wonderful midwifery practice. maybe someday they'll have step-down options for some type 1's. but the most important thing to me--that he be a compassionate, understanding, easygoing doc (and a little crunchy)--was all there today. he was really engaging and willing to work with me on so many levels. he was understanding of my anxiety of controlling my own disease, only to fear handing it over to a bunch of people i've never met. he was super excited to take me on as a future patient and just kept asking when are you guys getting pregnant?!
it's amazing to me, that statement.
so often, all we hear as type 1 women are the fear-mongering, overt, threatening gestures meant to warn (or ward off) our desires to get pregnant. it's not too often that people get this bright smile on their face and say, "good on you for being type 1 and trying to get pregnant!" ya right.
now i don't want to be too hard on people. all day, my docs have told me time and time again, how they deal with diabetics who refuse to do anything to even get a teeny tiny bit more in control. so it's understandable that it's hard for them to just adjust their attitude immediately upon meeting someone who really and truly owns their disease; treats it like a bad-neighbor-turned-best-barbq-buddy.
so i'm super excited. we've some time to go before we really start trying, but it takes a while to get everything in order, as anyone who's type 1 and had a bebe will tell you! he thinks (if all goes well with my disease) that we should be able to deliver naturally and he might let me go to 40 weeks. sigh. you know, it all depends on....waiting. in the moment. every moment.
which brings me to my final point: being in the moment. as thich nhat hanh said, "present moment, wonderful moment" with his meditation on the tangerine.
sounds cheesy, but it's basically this story of a person who gives this other person a sweet little tangerine as a gift. and it makes the person who receives it truly stop and think about the small, beautiful little gifts that life offers us, that we offer each other. gifts we so often ignore; gifts we so often scoff at because they seem insignificant.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

melting down~

so i had a melt down the first day i tried to change my site.
haha, go ahead and laugh.
it wasn't the insertion site, it was the fact that i couldn't draw up the insulin without matthew's help because the blue plunger thing on the cartridge is that hard to move without pulling it out. and the bubbles that resulted! oi!
i think that week just devolved for me, though. after my lovely little post below about my first day being great, i went on that night to get rear-ended by somebody at a red light. ya, red, i said! the next day my landlady suddenly had this burst of do-it-all-today energy, and i realized i had no test strips for my new meter.
hrmph. not a big deal, i know, but it kinda bummed me out i couldn't start using my one-touch til next week.
they say "when it rains, it pours" and that person wasn't kidding, eh? but a car accident? seriously, was that a necessary addition?
it's funny how the sky is certainly clearer after a good storm, though.
here's to hope and change.