Saturday, July 25, 2009

flipping it on its head~

it's been a rough summer.
the last of my endogenous beta cell function is so officially gone now.
man, dawn phenomenon has been really, really fun. and of course, the cortisol i must be releasing due to taking over full-time summer classes has really helped the insulin resistance.
i know, i need to stop complaining. my everyday averages are still holding at what comes out to about 6.2% for my A1c, but you know how it goes when you see the averages increasing...increasing...increasing.
ugh.
this is not a very positive post!
but you know what?

on a positive note (LOL)
it really hit me this summer how much more aware of my body i am---in a way that most will never be:
diabetes teaches you when to say when.
and i used to live like that was a bad thing! it was always,
GO!
DON'T STOP!
WORK HARDER!
STUDY MORE!
STRESS MORE!
THINK MORE!

so sad!
and ya, it feels pretty pathetic sometimes to admit that this disease came into my life, affecting every thing i put into my mouth, every stresser i experience, every exercise activity i participate in...and more, but the truth is, i've learned to be kinder to myself. to be grateful for how much more i am aware of what goes into my body, what i allow to affect me, and in reality; just how far i can push myself in ways i never knew i could.
we live in a culture that does not know how to walk the fine line between being kind to oneself and pushing oneself. people seem to be one extreme or the other.

i think having diabetes has taught me how to walk this fine line i myself crossed one too many times before i got diagnosed. a sad way to learn, and man, did i learn it this summer!
i know it wasn't a punishment.
rather, i try to look at it as a very strange, serendipitous.... opportunity.
:)

Thursday, July 16, 2009

hit me today~

that sometimes i just need to take my own damn advice.
end of story.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

running with needles~

someone asked me recently if i ever ask "why" and i said, "sure i do. all the time.
but there comes a point when you stop feeling sorry for yourself."
then today i asked why.
i looked at the big beautiful woman of a desert sky and i cried out as loud as my heart could scream,
WHY?! WHY ME?!
and you know what someone said to me today specifically?
"if it was anyone else it wouldn't have meant as much to them."
i felt a pang initially.
but he was right.
some of us type 1's certainly go down the road of anger and depression. i've met them. the resent oozes out of them.
but others are like light. they don't retreat. they smile and spread and share and have found a way to make it work. this doesn't mean they're the extroverted loud-mouthed funny guy everybody can't get enough of. the type 1....representative of all. nope.
they're just them, inspiring everybody around them in their very own way.
and i'm just me.
we all carry our story around. the one that describes the day we got diagnosed and how everything and nothing and everything in between...changed.
so i philosophize everyday the meaning of all of this.
i am a walking dichotomy.
it's so painful sometimes i can't breathe. especially when dealing with the diabetes police, the people who know nothing about type 1 autoimmune-based cause, and of course, you can't forget the ones who think you just ate too many skittles or something...ya, i didn't try hard enough.
but other times i am proud. proud of my ability to buck up. proud of my ability to rise above such an unforgiving process of day-to-day living. proud of who i am; who i've become.
you should know that even though you are one of the 3 million who have type 1 diabetes, you are one in 3 million.
your story matters. your story is your own.
you can still do it all and live the life of your dreams.
i'm attempting to continue that this summer. i try so hard it makes me cry. but dammit, i'm not giving up.
i'm gonna keep running, even with these damn needles.