Before I got pregnant, I felt so on top of this disease. Challenging as it was, the pregnancy factor was in the plans, but it sometimes felt far off. Like it was a separate issue. And yet, everything I was doing---all the extra testing and doctor's appointments and research---it was all with the goal of making a healthy baby. My type 1 wasn't a piece of cake, but I certainly felt more intuitive about it on so many levels.
Then Littlebird showed up.
Everything about my disease feels flipped now. I'm still doing well, but sometimes with the freaky lows and rebound highs, I get so worked up about my diabetes I forget I'm actually upset because I'm pregnant with diabetes. I know, weird. How do you sorta forget you're pregnant? When everything about the baby depends upon a 24/7 disease, that's when you strangely forget.
And then you go, "oh my gosh! How's baby?!"
When I saw my superwonderful OB and my superawesome diabetes educator last week, I expressed my frustrations with how nonintuitive making adjustments had been lately. Before, I'd confidently adjust my basals and meal boluses for weird numbers, but with all of the lows, I'd become terrified of the meal bolus. Exercising had become something to be afraid of. We've turned back everything to the point that I'm down to about 9 basal units a day. I go to bed with a good number, and still wake up (literally) all night long with my CGM alarms going off, screaming at me that I'm going low. Even though I went to bed feeling snuggly at a comfy 130. I can't drink enough juice to keep my night numbers up. Lately, I've been pretty tired when I wake up due to treating all those night lows. Oy.
But my providers tell me I'm doing fine, my bloodwork's fine, baby's fine. You're finefinefine. But every time I go low, baby goes low. That makes me sad. And angry. And just plain freaked out. I think of how awful I feel when I go low and I just pat my Littlebird bump and say I'm so sorry, mama's doing her best. Then I sit down and start doubting myself: Am I doing my best? Am I just overwhelmed? Why was I able to "get it" so well before and now feel like I'm "messing up" a lot?
I know they're right. I'm correcting as fast as things go wrong. This is the nature of the disease. I'm not going to have perfect numbers 24/7. I have to remind myself that every day, women with type 1 have perfectly healthy babies. Times have changed. Now we can do this, with the help of a lot of wonderful biomedical technology. But it doesn't mean it's ever going to be easy. Just easier.
Sorry if this post sounds a little down. Really, I'm blessed things have worked out so well so far. But it doesn't change the fact that I'm a mama trying to keep her body healthy so baby's healthy. And it's so worth it! All I can say is that I'm so very grateful for having such a great team of specialists who deal with this everyday. They really do see things clearly, while I'm sitting there wondering what the heck just happened to my well-understood diabetes. They say there's nothing to worry about. They say this is just pregnancy and type 1 diabetes! (Er...fun?) They say women are always surprised and overwhelmed at how fast things change, how often adjustments need to be made. I'll second that!
But I'm also freaking out with joy. Each week, my belly gets a little bit bigger. Each week, MAC and I just giggle at the idea of finally being the parents we've dreamt of being for so long. It's a fine line between accepting the situation for what it is and being willing to keep working on it. Because it's so worth it, I'm more than willing to walk the tightrope.