Backblogging week 19: stability? eh, not so much!

During the first part of week 19 I struggled so much to keep my numbers in control. With me being the perfectionist that I am (not a perfectionist-friendly disease. Let me take that further: this is the absolute worst disease for a perfectionist to get) I tend to get into this self-blaming cycle where I continue to ask myself "what I'm doing wrong" (even when every damn thing was right). But I have the most wonderful CDEs over at the Center for Prenatal Development. The one is like, "I've been doing this a long time, Emily. You need to remind yourself that this is just pregnancy and diabetes. Fun, huh?"

That's one way to put it!

What's happening is that every few days my stable numbers then start to go bonkers again. Higher or lower, I start to really struggle with any food (salad, you're supposed to be my friend) any situation (walking around a festival: supposed to help, right? Nope) and even scenarios I gave no mind to before (being on the phone for a work meeting for a really long time made me crash just as much as if I was uh, there.)

Every 5 days now my numbers clearly need assistance. And it's all so slight sometimes. But I'm officially in the hardest part of a type 1 pregnancy: the 2nd trimester. This little guy's growing in size. Size means more insulin. More insulin means resistance. More resistance means ohhhhhhhmyyyyyyygooooooood to me. As active as I am, as healthy as I eat, I still need so many adjustments merely due to the hormones---which are all helping Littlebird to grow like he needs to. Gee, imagine if I had a working pancreas. Thanks, Peabody.

So by the end of the week, the perfectionist in me was having another bonkers situation and uploaded my CareLink data to my CDE to look at. She just made the slightest change in my insulin sensitivity and wow, it really helped. To think I'll possibly need adjustments to my pump every 2 days toward the end of this trimester just blows my mind.

The human body's fine balance of fragile and resilient function is nothing to be scoffed at. Imagining what a nondiabetic woman's body is capable of doing completely involuntarily truly amazes me right now---even as I attempt to mimic it as best as I can. Phew. But what also amazes me is how resilient these babies are. I mean, let's be honest. He's not in the "best" of conditions in there. Oh, I know, I know---my A1c going in was prime, my averages are still stable...but technically, he's dealing with a lot; a lot more than he should have to. But he's alright! (I'll tell him this when he's having a hard time in life: You can do it! You made it through that big test way back in 2010, remember? What? You don't? :) And this fact---that so far he is able to withstand a less-than-perfect environment---when even in the best of circumstances women have miscarriages for reasons only Mother Nature will ever know---just humbles and amazes me.

Sometimes I get so frustrated I feel like I'm holding on by a thread. But then I think of our little boy and how hard we're working for him and I just...well, can't wait to introduce myself.