There are days where I'm so overwhelmed dealing with not only the emotional roller coaster of having just had our first child (well, 3 1/2 months ago) but also literally the hormone-hell that is messing with my body in general being a type 1 diabetic.
And then, I need a place to put Littlebird while I do laundry and he looks up at me like... that. My heart melts and I know, no matter what, he makes it all worth it. He motivates me endlessly. He fills my heart up with so much love, it's overflowing.
MAC (his dad) and I really worked for our baby. We had to plan so much because of my Type 1 Diabetes that it started feeling like the romance was being taken out of babymaking! ;) But I'm so glad we did. Our little guy is not only a bundle of joy, he's super healthy and happy (as you can see.) We're both pretty sappy, I guess. Maybe all new parents are. We actually still get tears in our eyes, though, like all googoogaga, you know? ;)
What I'm trying to say is that while my body still adjusts constantly it seems while I'm breastfeeding, I often beat myself up for all the pendulum swinging I can do. Highs to lows, lows to rebound highs. I'm so grateful for having a good pregnancy CDE. She's been my lifesaver! Each week still, it seems I'm needing to get some slight adjustments to my basal rates as my body comes out of pregnancy fog. It's a wonder to even ponder what nondiabetic women's bodies are going through to readjust. No wonder everyone feels crazy for a while. I know I...still do! ;)
Food is (as always, when will it not be?) still a struggle. I'm trying to navigate that fine line between foods that won't make me spike and foods that will sustain me through nursing so that I don't go low. While I've got the nighttime basal rates down (20% reduction after nursing to prevent bottoming out) I'm still trying to figure out the window during the daytime to prevent delayed hypoglycemia but still provide enough of a baseline for daily life. Ugh, what a complicated mess it can be. But we're getting there. Oh wait, where is "there"? Right. We're constantly figuring the ever-changing "there" out.
The thing about type 1 diabetes is that it's one of the realest lessons in learning to go with the flow. It's one of the greatest lessons in learning to be compassionate with yourself. It's one of the worst things to deal with---counting every gram of carbohydrate that enters your body (let alone how it interacts with everything it's combined with) but it's also one of the best ways to learn about good health. Because health is not just a number on the scale. Health is wholeness: it's how you view yourself. Your mind, your body. Your food and where it comes from. How you savor it, if you savor it. Health is wholeness. It's about wholly enjoying life and all that it should truly be about. We talk a lot about learning to love ourselves in this culture, but how many people look like they're the walking manifestation of self-loathing? Why don't we stop to slow down and take it all in...I mean it all in: the good, the bad, the ugly. If we could do this for ourselves, we could certainly do it for others. But instead, we're hard on others and even harder on ourselves.
Maybe that's why when you get diagnosed with a chronic disease it's easy to start the self-loathing cycle.
Well, I promised myself to try to make the 'enemy' part of this disease (re: my immune system up and deciding to attack my poor little pancreas) my friend. I sometimes wish I could say things like, there are no compromises! I shall conquer and WIN! but unfortunately, this battle's not going to be 'won' like that. This battle (like most conflicts in life, if we'd all just wake up and realize this fact, globally) takes negotiation. It takes compromise. It takes discussion. And it takes a helluva lot of work.
It'd be a lot easier to just get up and run away screaming from our disease. But that's just it: it's too easy to burn out. Oh, we all have our burn-outs. But I'm talking about people who completely and utterly give up. They're done. So over it. Their eyes are going. Their kidneys are going. They're just like...Eff it. And when it's really frustrating...who can blame them?
But we've gotta keep going. You have to find that something that makes it worth it.
I know I have.